don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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