maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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