There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
