that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
