there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
