This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
