she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
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I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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