They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
