The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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