I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
