I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
