Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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