scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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