Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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