i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
