My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
false alarm. still invincible.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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