Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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