wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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