Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
