I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
