How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
