Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
