I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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