when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
