good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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