i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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