You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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