Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
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cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dicks are not precious.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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