i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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