nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
3 2 1 whiskey
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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