Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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