Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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