Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
