I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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