I hate all girls vehemently.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
