theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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