Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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