There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
