he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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