It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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