I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
How's work?
Spinning.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
