I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
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His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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