Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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