Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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