When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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