not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
