Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
