she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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