When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
