I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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