im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
