She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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