you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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