Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
did i just pee glitter
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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