the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
