So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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