Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
