This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
