when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
